Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Problem: Part 3 (please excuse the language)

Written in Warrior, Alabama on January 2008
Today, I am at Bradford, looking at a picture of my wife and I. Why am I here starring at her picture? There is a reason. It most certainly is Not because I loath her presence.
Over the past good while I have been using cocaine. (etc.). Time and time again I have quit. I would just know I wanted to quit. Time and time, time and time, time and time, time and time.
Is it because I want a vacation? Is it because I don't want my wife to leave? I am looking at her picture because right here and now it is the only thing I have that is her image. I kiss her picture every day because it is the closest thing to feeling her skin. I obsess over her cheeks, her hair, her lips, her eyes.
Right now I am not with my wife, but we are closer than we have been for a good while. Right now she knows where I am. Right now she is not scared that I am fucked up. Right now she is safe and I am safe.
Right now I am at Bradford because I am my problem. I put myself here, in every way. I am an addict. I do not like the way I feel, think, act. I do not like me.
Even here at Bradford I am an addict. Drugs are not my problem, I am my problem. Set drugs on the counter right in front of me. They will not do anything to me. They will remain where they lay. They will not stab me, insult me, steal from me, take my wife, my house, my health, or anything. I do these things. I ruin my money, relationships, and health, and social life, and emotional life, and spiritual life.
No, there are no drugs available to me here. Yet I have still managed to try to fill that void inside me in vain. I stare at the picture, talk to the picture, kiss the picture. This is not God! It is a fucking picture and I am still in a vicious cycle of addiction. Angela, we parted on Saturday. I love you and will see you soon. But this fucking picture is coming down. God help me, because my wife nor her picture can.
I am Powerless over my Addiction.
sympathy
drugs
sex
food
cigarettes
attention

When you light your own fire, the light is darkness and the heat is torment (1).

I'm not an addict because I used drugs. I used drugs because I'm an addict.

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(1) Isaiah 50:10-11

2 comments:

Dennis D. said...

I still love that "light your own fire" quote. I can SO SO So relate to burn myself more times than I will probably ever admit to with "my OWN fire." Keep on keeping on brother. You got peeps in bham and elsewhere who love you, are praying for you, and will help you any way we can.

Twisted Thinking said...

The quote: When you light your own fire, the light is darkness and the heat is torment - jumps out at me too.

You got other Alabama "peeps" --
and, in Louisiana, Tennesee, Illinois, Arkansas, Texas, Mississippi - peeps: Praying, Efficiently, Effectively, for a Particular Someone?