Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Problem: Part 2

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink" (1).
For and addict this is a grave condition, to be without defense against the first drink, or hit. This condition is at the root of our insanity. A person who touches a hot stove will probably not do it again, certainly not day after day, night after night. Well, unless of course the person is insane. I touched it though. Time and again, as soon as the pain got half way out the door, it was time to go again.
Every night, every day, the same old broken record would play. I may be FROZEN in my bed swearing to never do it again. I can not hardly breath my nose is so stopped up. I can not stop sweating. I FEAR someone would drive up and knock on the door. I even worried about my wife coming in, though I knew she was presently aware and usually in the other room. I used to look out the living room windows. It got to the point that I was in a corner of the hall chain-smoking. There were no windows there, but I had little room to spare.
At work the next day, I would pray and swear to God and to myself that it was over, and I meant it. I would be so proud to be off of that crap, even though it had been less than 12 hours. So sure of myself, I would go throughout the work day dreaming about my future. It would be so bright. All the doors would open for me, and if I happened upon any closed doors, I would crash them open.
On my way home from work, I would still be riding that wave of confidence and relief that the hell was all over. A minute later I merge onto the interstate when seemingly out of nowhere my whole mindset changes. I would call the man and pick up whatever it may be that day.
I was not able to play the tape all the way through. I forgot the PAIN and FEAR of just last night. I was unable to call to mind how I could not just do one line or hit. And what about after I used, all the SHAME and DISGUST came rushing in. HOPELESSNESS. I could not-not use drugs, and I knew that. But still I did not get it.

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(1) A.A, There is a Solution, p. 24

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