Don't be mean; don't be a baby

Look, there will be no general atheist bashing on this site.  I've had this problem on my facebook page and will not put up with it here either.  It is true, I have no respect for Dawkins, or anyone like that - it is these people that I refer to as "angry atheist."  If an "angry atheist" gets offended, then I don't give a rats **s.  But let them get offended by the truth, not because we insult them maliciously.  However, Dawkins seems to like talking to people that way, so I just assume he doesn't mind.  Tit for tat.  Comments are welcome, and may be deleted, if they are purposefully offensive.  Some people will be offended no matter what.  But the person I am thinking of has never been offended by me, so I trust him that he was justly offended. I have deleted the offense from my facebook page, and just in case I have, myself, done something needlessly offensive - I am looking my blog over.
We have atheist coming to this blog, let's try to treat them like Jesus would.
I know sometimes it is hard not to lump them all in a group, because I have been to atheist threads.  These threads have been very malicious to people like me.  VERY MALICIOUS.  In fact, the offense that was taken on my facebook page doesn't even compare.  But these are mean people who do that to people.  We have been treated maliciously by certain atheist for many years, that does not mean that we get to treat just any atheist we meet with contempt.  The fact that the "angry atheist" treat us very cruel, has nothing to do with some atheist we meet.

Person B treats person A in a very cruel way.
Person A, therefore, treats person C in a not nice, fairly mean way.
Person A then justifies his action toward person C by saying:  "Well, person C didn't get hurt near as much as I did."
This is not intelligent, and we must live better than this.  If you can't see the flaw, then maybe you shouldn't reply.

However, if someone gets offended by an argument, or a defense of an argument, then maybe that person is offended by themselves for having a weak argument.  Don't be offended, rather, be intellectually open.

And let's try this:  assume that someone means what they type in a nice way, unless otherwise informed.  You know how it is when you can't see faces or hear voices.  Don't be mean; don't be a baby.  And never make me defend an atheist again.

"Who Created God" Continued from the previous post, with an extra athiest argument presented at the end (in defense of an accusation of giving a straw-man argument)

I have been accused of giving a straw-man argument.  Straw-man arguments are arguments that are very weak, and that the opponent doesn't really use anyway.  This accusation is false for two reasons.  First, I have had conversations with many different atheist, and this is an argument they used.

Second,  This atheistic argument is taken from Richard Dawkins, in his book "The GOD Delusion."  If this atheistic argument I presented is weak, it is not my fault - it is the fault of one of the leading Atheist, because he is the one using it.  I cannot help it if atheists use weak arguments.  I agree, this is weak, and atheist shouldn't use it.  However, the leading atheist does use it, so I have no choice.


Dawkins says that you can't appeal to God as the maker of anything, because God would have to be more complicated that what He made - that's more or less what he said... and that's just plain ignorant.


Read "The Dawkins Confusion", by Alvin Plantinga.  This will open your eyes to how illogical (lacking in good logic) Richard Dawkin's arguments are.

 Here is one of Richard Dawkin's arguments:
1.  We know of no irrefutable objections to its being biologically possible that all life has come to be by way of unguided Darwinian processes;
2.  Therefore, all life has come to be by way of unguided Darwinian processes.

This argument can be broken down to the following form:
1.  We know of no irrefutable objections to its being possible that (p).
2.  Therefore, (p) is true.

This is how lacking in validity Dawkin's logic is.

The "Who Created God" Ojection

We've all heard the question.  Who then, created God?  An atheist will ask this question as if the question is an ultimate attack, against which there can be no defense.  When a theist gives "God" as a perfectly rational answer to the question of where life came from, an atheist will call a foul.

The atheist will say, "That's not an answer to the question of where it came from.  Appealing to a Creator only complicates the issue.  Anything that could create something would necessarily be more complicated than the thing created.  So, appealing to God doesn't answer anything, it just complicates the issue."

Example:
John and Bill flew on a rocket to the moon.  Upon arrival, they noticed a bunch of machinery that resembled tractors.  John looked at Bill and said, "Who made this stuff?!"
Bill said, "No one made this stuff."
John said, "Yes, someone did."
To which Bill responded, "Appealing to a maker only complicates the issue.  Anything that could make it would have to be more complicated than the things that were made.  So, appealing to a maker doesn't answer anything, it just complicates the issue.  I mean, who then made the maker?"

John responds in the only rational way, "I don't know why you always forget to take you crazy medication, I'll go get them for you."

Disconnect

There is disconnect between my existence.  My soul receives glimpses of reality.  Once, my soul saw only what was real, and it devastated me.  Now my soul experiences as a glance the reality I found.  Like everyone else who found this horrible reality, I only found strength to hold it steady but for a while.  I was willing to never let go of that awful reality.  I tried with all my might to never let my sight grow dim through the weakness of human frailty.

            I was eager to always live in the agony.  I was in much the same state as Saint Augustine described himself to be.

“Grief darkened my heart.  Everything on which I set my gaze was death.  My home town became a torture to me; my father’s house a strange world of unhappiness; all that I had shared with him was without him transformed into a cruel torment.  My eyes looked for him everywhere, and he was not there.  I hated everything because they did not have him.  Only tears were sweet to me, and in my soul’s delights’ weeping had replaced my friend.  I was in misery, and misery is the state of every soul overcome by friendship with mortal things and lacerated when they are lost.  Then the soul becomes aware of the misery which is its actual condition even before it loses them.  I thought that since death had consumed him, it was suddenly going to engulf all humanity.  All that was not he made me feel sick and was repulsive – except for groaning and tears.  In them alone was there some slight relief.  But when my weeping stopped, my soul felt burdened by a vast load of misery.  The lost life of those who die becomes the death of those still living.”

I hated everything for not being real, because I knew the only reality was death.  But the same things I hated I also loved.  That is the disconnect that kept me alive.  To ultimately and entirely hold onto the reality is the same as giving up the dream/delusion.  That is why the only people strong enough to hold onto that reality are the ones who are willing to leave the falsity of this world.  I hate myself for being able to sometimes remember without the agony (which sometimes is the worst agony).

            But I could not function while fearing my wife would get run over while she checked the mail.  Something had to change, and I suppose my love for what I hated was greater.

I will end with the lyrics of Creed:  “Who’s got my back now, when all we have left is deceptive, so disconnected?  What is the truth now?”
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I know now that death was not the only reality.  The gift given to me was the reality of what actually matters.  As I went through the days, or hours, I questioned everything.  I barely found a reason to put my foot off the breaks and accelerate when the light turned green - I actually had no reason but habit.  The trivial things (petty arguments/rights/expectations of others or myself/etc.), which make up the falsity of this world, meant nothing any longer.  Appreciating the important people in life and loving them was the only thing that meant anything.  Everything else was a pointless and exhausting lie.  What bothers me is this - I feel that I lost that gift.  I lost it because like anyone else, I am not strong enough to hold on to the torturous reality of death.

When will God fix me?

Jesus was walking with His disciples one day and came upon a fig tree.  He walked up to the fig tree in order to get some figs.  But the tree had no figs because it was not the season for the tree to bear fruit.  Jesus became agitated at the tree when he saw that it had no figs available.  Apparently He was irritated enough to curse the fig tree.  Jesus said, “Let no man eat fruit from you forever.”

The disciples probably wondered what was up with their Master, but soon forgot about the incident as they went about the day.  On the next day the group left back out of the city.  When they came by the fig tree the disciples were shocked.  One of the disciples said, “Look Master, the fig tree that you cursed has withered up from the roots!”

It is important here to note that not all of the disciples remember it this way.  At least one disciple remembers that the tree died immediately.  This is a natural way for memories to function.  It is more likely that the tree withered up over the course of a day.  The important thing to understand from the difference in memory is this:  After a miracle is accomplished, it really doesn’t matter anymore how long it took.  The stretch of time becomes one of many minor details that are not very important anymore in light of the miracle that was experienced.

The fig tree can represent our defects.  It can be so frustrating when we pray to God to save us and turn us into a better person, only to continuously fall back into our defected sinful patterns.  We can ask God to save us from all of these defects and really feel that He will, only to forget God’s promises to save us as we go on about our days.  We think that God has not heard our prayer, or that He has chosen not to help.  However, God has answered our prayer.

Our defects are being dried up from the roots.  Think about this:  If only the tree’s limbs dried up then everyone would immediately see it, but in a year or so the limbs would be back.  It is better for us if our defects are killed from the roots up.  One day we will be going about our day and it will suddenly occur to us, “That defect is gone!”  Something we have been struggling with for years is gone.  At that time, to us, it may seem immediate.  We know, however, that it was anything but immediate.  The stretch of time between our pleading with God and the moment that the miracle becomes obvious begins to lose meaning.  Not much about it matters anymore except the understanding that once we were lost, but now we are found; once we were blind, but now we see!

It is easy to get tired of doing good.  Paul said to not get exhausted in doing good, because in due season we will reap a harvest if we do not faint.  Doing good can mean many things.  For an addict it can mean doing what it takes to stay clean and sober.  Doing good can be the act of praying persistently even though we cannot see the roots of our defects drying up.  The reason it is easy to get exhausted in doing good is because we cannot see the roots.  Not only do we not know how long the process will take, but at times we doubt that the process has even begun.

Daniel prayed to God for an answer.  Eventually an angel of God appeared to Daniel and gave Daniel the answer he was seeking.  The angel made it clear that God sent the angel the very instant Daniel made the request.  The angel said that the delay was due to a fight between himself and another fallen angel.  In fact, God sent another angel to assist in the fight.

So we see that there are different reasons why we may not see the miracle we so desperately need.  If we keep trusting in God and trying to move toward better things then we will reap a harvest in due time.  When we finally see the results, it will no longer matter much that it was not all accomplished immediately.

Meditation on the Lord's Prayer Part 1

PRAY IN THIS MANNER

Our Father, who art in heaven

Hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come.

Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For Yours is the kingdom

And the power

And the glory forever.

Amen.

Our Father, who art in heaven.

This teaches me that I am not alone, I have many brothers and sisters.  I am not to isolate, even when alone in prayer.  I am part of a whole.  When I pray for things, it is for us, not just me.  This teaches me partnership, and removes me from my self-centeredness.  I am not the center of the universe.  I should want God to help me, but not at the expense of my family.  God is our Father.

 As our Father, He deserves our respect and obedience.  As our Father, we look to Him for protection and provision.  As our Father, we try to imitate Him.  We learn from Him.  He is our Father in heaven.  His throne is far above any throne on earth.

Hallowed be Thy name.

There is a difference between hallow and holy.  Hallow is “to make holy”, and “to respect greatly”.

To Hallow is to exalt.

To exalt is to raise in rank, power, or character.  It is to elevate by praise, or to elevate in estimation.  (Estimation has to do with value or worth.)  It is to enhance the activity of: or intensify.

A person’s name is their nature, authority and character.  It is the attributes that distinguishes (separates) a person from others.

“Hallowed be” is in the passive.  It does not indicate who is doing the hallowing.  It does, however, indicate that what is being hallowed is more important.  So whether it is God doing the hallowing, or us, may be less important than what is being hallowed – His name.

We can hallow His name by praise and thanksgiving.  But this is probably a result of God first hallowing His name in us.  God can hallow His name in our hearts and mind.  He can increase our estimation of His character and attributes.  He certainly has increased our estimation of His name.  He has saved us from the misery of our addiction.  He has given us a way out.  He has shown us His principles.  God probably already estimates His name to be worth exactly what it is actually worth.  WE are the ones who have an incorrect and insufficient estimation of His name.  God can intensify His character within us.

Thy kingdom come.

God is our King.  Kingdom speaks of a realm, it speaks of someone’s rule.  It speaks of royalty.  His kingdom is His realm of dominion.

Therefore hear the parable of the sower:  when anyone hears the word of the kingdom…  But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word and understands, who indeed bears fruit and produces:… (Matt. 13:18-19, 24).  “To what shall we liken the kingdom of God?  …  It is like a mustard seed which, when it is sown on the ground, is smaller than all the seeds on earth; but when it is sown, it grows up and becomes greater than all herbs, and shoots out large branches, so that the birds of the air may nest under its shade.”  (Mark 4:30-31)

“To what shall I liken the kingdom of God?  It is like leaven, which a woman took and hid in three measures of meal till it was all leavened.”  (Luke 13:20-21)

“The kingdom of God is within you.”  (Luke 17:21)

God sows His kingdom within our hearts.  It starts out smaller than the other seeds, but it becomes great and takes over the other parts of our hearts.  We may ignorantly or stubbornly hold on to part of our heart, as if it belongs to us.  However, His kingdom spreads within our hearts.  With Gods Spirit, our hearts become more and more submissive to His rule.

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

A persons will is their choice.  It is what they have purposed.  It is the goal they have in mind – their end game.  It is their decree.  It can be an inclination.

Meditation on the Lord's Prayer Part II

Give us this day our daily bread.

This re-affirms Who our provider is.  This reminds us to take things one day at a time, and not to be fearful about tomorrow.

“I am the bread of life.”  (John 6:48)  If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will  he give him a stone?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”  (Luke 11:11,13)

And the Spirit of God hovered over the face of the deep.  (Genesis 1:2) 

God is giving us of Himself.  He is the substance our lives depend on.  The Hebrew word for hovered is

(MRCHPHTH), (vowels not included)  This word means ‘to brood’.  It is to brood, like a bird would brood over an egg.  The parent bird is causing and aiding the babies development.  The parent bird maintains conditions favorable for development   It is kind of like incubating.  God is incubating us perfectly each day.  We do not need tomorrows brooding, because too much heat could stop our development.  He gives us exactly what we need for our spiritual development, day by day.  And remember, we are developing, we have not already arrived.  His Spirit is nurturing and developing His character within us.  God moves in our hearts and transforms us day by day into His image.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

We are motivated to forgive when we think of the debt we owed God, a debt so great we could never repay it.  The parable of the unforgiving servant is in Matthew 18:21-35.  The master did forgive him of his debt.  The servant said he would pay the master back, but the master already forgave his debt.  So it seems that the servant did not understand what really happened… it was an impossible debt which he had already been forgiven.  Then the servant went out and chocked someone who owed him money.  The master heard about it, and sent for the unforgiving servant.  The master then ‘took back his forgiveness’.  God has forgiven our debt.  Our trespasses are no longer held against us.  If they were still held against us, we would have no hope of being able to pay it off.  So if we do not forgive others, will God forgive us, will He withdraw His forgiveness?

To forgive is to not hold someone accountable for the wrongs they have done to us.  If I fail to forgive, misery is assured.  The Lord’s prayer also says “as we forgive those”.  We still need each other.  God never meant for us to grow alone.  He wants us to grow together.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

We are tempted when we are drawn away by our own lusts and enticed.  (James 1:14)

The evil is very near.  The kingdom of God is within our hearts.  It started out small but is growing.  It has yet to encompass all.  God is the one that delivers us from evil, not us.  He is the one Who saves us from our sins and addictions.  He delivers us from our inner struggle.

Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever.  Amen.

The kingdom is of God.  Power is the word meaning force.  It also means miraculous power, it can even mean the miracle itself.  Glory is praise, honor or distinction extended by common consent.  it is worshipful thanksgiving.  God is great, and everyone who is anyone knows it.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,

Your character and authority are above all,

And more powerful and effective than any other character.

Please help me value Your attributes more and more,

Until Your character and nature are worth more to me than any other.

Please intensify the development of Your nature within me.

Let this earth be Your kingdom also.

Do whatever You choose to do here.

Attain Your goals, whatever they are, in us and on this earth.

Give us a strong inclination to be what You want us to be.

And give us the urge to do what You desire.

Nurture Your nature within us.

Give us what we need this day to grow into what You would have us be.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Help us not to try and get even with people.

But give us the desire to outdo each other with love.

Lead us not into temptation.

Do not carry us inward into adversity,

But draw us away from the evil that is so near.

Our Father,

Please save us from our inner struggle.

The kingdom and the miracle and the glory belong to You.

Amen.

ALIVE

I felt alive again tonight.

While I was crying,
I felt alive.

While I was screaming into my pillow,
I felt alive.

While I realized my Big brother was dead,

As this pain rent my soul,
as this pain wended my soul,

I felt ALIVE.

Nothing has made sense for a while,
Nothing seemed real.

I could see no good reason,
Not even to move.

But as I mourned - as I mourned,
That made sense.

As I cried,
I understood that my tears had purpose.

As I muffled the noise of my pain,
I saw the meaning in that.

While my wife held me,
I found meaning in her touch.

I chose to let it out,
And I feel alive.

Pain is the Cornerstone

As someone tells me all the time.. "Pain is the cornerstone of all spiritual growth.".

Carl Jung would put it this way. "There is no coming to consciousness without pain.".
Carl Jung was a contemporary of Sigmund Freud. Many people assumed that Jung was a student of Freud, but this assumption was false. Carl Gustav Jung , 1875-1961, was the founder of analytical psychology. Of course it should be noted that Jung was perhaps quite neurotic.

William James was a pioneer in psychology. He lived from 1842-1910. While he was a professor at Harvard he taught Theodore Roosevelt. William James wrote a book called The Varieties of Religious Experiences. This is a very long book and hard to understand. However, this is basically what I get from it, having heard more about it than what I have actually read. The one common theme in religious experiences are hopeless situations. (Though there is much more to get from this book, for our purpose this will suffice.)

In a way, this is why many addicts are grateful for their addiction. They see it as the catapult for an intense desire to try something new, a spiritual way of life. The fact is that few people will want to seek spiritual help until it is the last option left. Even then, this option is often chosen with some form of regret. Such is human nature, the agony of coming face to face with our insufficiency. Sometimes this is too much to accept. We will not accept that we cannot accomplish change. Surely the answer lies in stronger will power, or more self knowledge. But in some situations will power and self knowledge will never be enough. It is in these circumstances that we possess an incredible opportunity. Where will power and self knowledge failed, acceptance and action will succeed.

We can accept the impossible situation as it is - impossible and beyond our power to effect a change. If we actually get past this point, we now have another choice. We have to find a power sufficient to accomplish change. If this situation is dire, there is no time to waste on lengthy arguments over the existence of God, or who He may be. When we are at a place where to stay the same is to die, we must move on. This acceptance of our condition along with the simple willingness to accept the possibility of a creator who can change our condition is the beginning of a spiritual experience.

Acceptance Was The Answer: Pg. 417, 420

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.....

Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But then my "rights" try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my "rights," as well as my expectations, by asking myself, How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotinal sobriety? And when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher level - at least for the time being.

Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me.

I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I've never had it so good.
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Just a good story, figured I would share part of it.

Indoors

As I gazed out the window of the Alano club, I noticed the palms moving in the wind. It seemed so peaceful outside. It mattered little that my ears could not hear. In my heart I did hear the wind blow as it hit the leaves and glided around them. I wonder if some part of the wind made it through - penetrating the leaves. Part of the wind going through, but part remaining within - becoming part of the plant itself.
Did the wind make it through the windows also? Reaching to me, moving around me - did part of it become part of me? Did the wind speak to me and call me outside as I now am? To converse with me more intimately.
More than just a memory - I felt the chill of the wind. She spoke to me and promised me relief from the sun. The wind does not just push me. Resistance is not the goal of her game, it is but a part.
Part resists me. Part pushes me. Part glides around me. Part comforts me, part ensures me. Part calls to me. Part penetrates me and becomes one with me. Yet all most people recognize is the resistance - and we wonder why we become so depressed and anxious.
I am glad I came outside, I was not lied to. The blades of grass are doing there quickstep, vibrating even. Is that not from the wind. So part brings beauty.
I would not like to live in a city with no wind.
I am reminded of a scripture that speaks of the Spirit blowing where He wills. Isn't it the Spirit that brings life. Isn't it the Spirit that is life. So part brings life. Nature is not God, but I am sure that a piece of Him abides within. Were we not all created out of Him.
To remain indoors forever is a shame.
Yet we can be outdoors while remaining indoors.

Revised Post

"We give out, but we don't give up."

Weeping flows from the lungs of a newborn. Tears flow from the loss of security. A new sense of uncertainty. A new sense of fear. The baby can not open his eyes, not yet. The horror of this reality needs time to set. Can he hear the words of care and comfort. Does he understand?

Joy flows from the hearts of new parents. Tears rush out from a new sense of purpose, of love. The parents take not their gaze away from this child, not now, not ever, for this bond of love no one could sever.

Weeping erupts from the hearts of parents. Doubt rushes in with all these horrible feelings - a sense of uncertainty, of fear. Will they open their eyes when the horror sets in? Can they hear the words of care and comfort. Will they understand?

Joy explodes in the heart of the newborn. A wonderful sense of love, of purpose. The baby can not close his eyes, not now, not before all this beauty he has found. Brought up to the chest of his Father in a loving embrace, the newborn and his Father look down. And for the first time, he sees the love of his parents, and he does understand. And as the newborn hovers so close to the Father, his soul gazes ever on his parents, for this bond of love, no one could sever.

"I'll be happy then."

Weeping rends the souls of this family. A man with two great losses - a girl with one. What comfort can there be in so much pain. What agony so great can compare. All look on, this burden so eager to bear.
How can I stand to place her down. How can I live and let it down. The words from my mouth were not my own-something else was supposed to be said. Why couldn't You just let me beg?

Joy explodes in the heart of the mother. The heart in hand turned to reality. The soul gaze of the newborn in part realized. Now they both await the man, Now they both await the girl, Now the two present their request before the Father, Please, Father, comfort them, till we meet again.... because it will surely be a long time from now.

Resentment

Resentment is a killer. Many people who attempt to live their life according to how God would have them, do not think of it this way. We think we must not be resentful because God says so, which, in a way of course, is right. But we keep going back to our resentments. We do not see them as dangerous. We just see them as wrong, or a sin. Then there are some of us who do not see resentment as wrong-those of us falling into this category would certainly keep hold of our resentments.

The anger and bitterness that we experience through resentment are poison. First, taking hold of our spiritual and emotional health. Then, it spreads to our physical well being. Holding on tight to resentments is like me drinking poison wanting you to die. When our lives are full of resentment, we are a sick and decrepit soul.

We may have no reason to hold our resentment toward a particular person. Many times, however, we do have 'reason'. In these cases the people we are angry, bitter, or resentful toward have actually done something wrong to us. The truth is this - reason or no reason, resentment is deadly. This is especially true for addicts. We have to get rid of these, if we are to live in any freedom.

Most people are sick, either spiritually, emotionally, or physically. We can not make them better. I suggest, as someone suggested to me, that we ask God to help us look at these people who have wronged us as people who are spiritually sick. - To help us treat these people like we would a friend who was sick and be patient with them. - To save us from being angry and bitter.

For us to live free, the people who need to change are us, not the people who wrong us. Our problems arise out of our on making. When we pray, let's pray for change in us, not in other people. Like it says in the AA book.... "I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to change in the world, but on what needs to change in me and my attitudes."

Regardless of anyone, of anything, we can live free.

Self Sufficiency

It's hard sometimes, to reach out for help. We think we can do it on our own, or maybe it's that we think we should be able to do it on our own. The hard fact is this: We can not, at all times, pull ourselves up by the bootstraps.
We were not created to be self sufficient. We were made to need God, and each other. Take for instance, depression. This is not something to deal with by yourself. We must share this with someone immediately. We must ask God for help. Take temptation of any kind... We must share this with someone immediately, we must ask God for help. We must, if we are to live in any amount of freedom.

The Bible says "God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, casting all your cares on Him, because He cares for you."
Doing it ourselves, without help, without asking God for help, without asking other people for help,... is PRIDEFUL.
There is grace from God to help us with our troubles. But we must not think of ourselves as self sufficient.

Buried

My addiction has ruled my life, even before I took the first drug. My insecurities have held me to the ground. This black hole inside had almost overwhelmed me. Every time that I tried to fill it, more of me it consumed. So with Your help perhaps I will pull it all back out of me- Pain, loneliness, despair, guilt, sin. All of these will come rushing in, unless this black hole You fill.

God, how long?
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Written early in 2008.

CONFESSION?

Confess your sins one to another that you may be healed.

The bible.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Alcoholics Anonymous 4th and 5th step.

.

This is about being free from shame and guilt and fear.

Few people experience the healing that the bible is speaking of here. Some people do, on occasion, confess a few faults to a close friend. But the bible says to confess your sins. It does not say to confess a few of them, and it does not say to just confess them to God. You may find it difficult to confess your sins to someone for more than one reason.

One could be that you do not know them. Sometimes one may have to make a searching and fearless moral inventory, at least once in a lifetime. Some things you may not see as faults, or some things you may have pushed deep inside. Some things you have great shame over. Some things, or people, you may have deep resentment toward. And you may find that you fear a great many things. It is important to understand that resentment is a fault, and it greatly damages you. Fear would be in the same category. Anyone can see that shame is a horrible thing.

Try this. Get a pen and paper out. Get alone. Make the first column--"I am sore at". Think of someone that has done you wrong, write this persons name down on your paper. Don't worry about writing what they did yet. Think of another person and write their name down. You are making a list on one side of your paper. Next column-- What happened, or why you are sore at them. Don't write paragraphs, just key notes so you can discuss them later.

Next column-- How did it effect you. Mostly our resentments come from things effecting our personal relationships which would include sex, our financial security, our ambitions, or our self esteem. Be brief, you can elaborate in person. Before you can consider what your part is, it is recommended to pray. Ask God to help you see them like He sees them.

Now list all the people you have harmed. Then, very briefly, record what you did. Key words are fine here, a couple of words or so that you could read and know what it is about. Next is a list of your fears. This was my longest list. Make sure to put down on paper anything you are ashamed of, anyone and anything you have a resentment toward, anyone you have hurt, and your fears. How can you confess your sins if you don't know them.

Get someone you can confide in, and share it. Prepare for a long conversation. Don't hold back. Don't sugar coat it. If you are an addict, let the person know that this is a life and death issue, and do the first three steps first. If you are not an addict, do it anyway. The bible teaches that confession of your sins to another human being has healing effects.

I was so scared about this one. I did not even know how scared I was until a couple of hours before. I freaked out and almost did not do it. I honestly thought that I was different. I was not sure that it would work. Maybe it would even have the opposite effect. They assured me it would work and I saw that many people had gotten better by doing it. So I did it, scared. Afterward, on my way home, I realized that it was an act of faith. I had a smile on my face for a couple of hours. There is a place in the AA book that says, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

This step takes a lot of balls if done correctly.

AA

Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted.

a. We can look the world in the eye.

b. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.

c. Our fears fall from us.

d. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.

e. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.

Bible

That you may be healed.

If you are an addict, I strongly recommend reading the AA book, getting a sponsor, and doing all the steps...you are worth it. Stop holding on to worthless things.

An Innocent Meeting

Six years ago, almost to the hour, I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl the age of 19. From our first conversation there was something there. I really had no intention of dating this girl. She was kind enough, seemed intelligent, and was attractive. We had a very enjoyable conversation, something that was hard for me to do with girls. We kept talking til the a.m.
It took me about half a year of dating her to officially start dating her, which she still doesn't get. Then I tried to break up with her, but just could not stay away from her. Heck, I bought her a 300 dollar ring while we were broke up. She still doesn't get that either.
I wish I could give this girl who would become my fiance 3 years ago today so much more love along the way. I wish I could take back all the tears, replacing them with a smile I would remove all her fear. I would take all of her doubt, uncertainty, and shame in the palm of my hand. Like a magician, I would make them all disappear.
But while I married this girl- a beautiful soul, she married this boy-a flawed man. And now the joy she can have will be even greater than if there never had been any tears. The comfort will be more than all her fears. And I will love her so, for all of our years.

To my lovely wife, Angela.

We Give Out....But We Don't Give Up

Weeping flows from the lungs of a newborn. Tears flow from the loss of security. A new sense of uncertainty. A new sense of fear. The baby can not open his eyes, not yet. The horror of this reality needs time to set. Can he hear the words of care and comfort. Does he understand?

Joy flows from the hearts of new parents. Tears rush out from a new sense of purpose, of love. The parents take not their gaze away from this child, not now, not ever, for this bond of love no one could sever.

Weeping erupts from the hearts of parents. Doubt rushes in with all these horrible feelings - a sense of uncertainty, of fear. Will they open their eyes when the horror sets in? Can they hear the words of care and comfort. Will they understand?

Joy explodes in the heart of the newborn. A wonderful sense of love, of purpose. The baby can not close his eyes, not now, not before all this beauty he has found. Brought up to the chest of his Father in a loving embrace, the newborn and his Father look down. And for the first time, he sees the love of his parents, and he does understand. And as the newborn hovers so close to the Father, his soul gazes ever on his parents, for this bond of love, no one could sever.

DARWINS THEORY

Recently, a group of scientists signed a statement which says, " We are skeptical of claims for the ability of random mutation and natural selection to account for the complexity of life. Careful examination of the evidence for Darwinian theory should be encouraged."
Click this link for the list of scientists and their credentials http://www.discovery.org/scripts/viewDB/filesDB-download.php?command=download&id=660
It is my opinion that science is largely about careful examination. When I hear people say that the debate is over concerning Darwinian evolution, it puzzles me. If a scientist suggests that we not carefully examine things, it makes me question whether he or she is in the right field. You can pick thousands of scientists who say the Darwinian theory of evolution should no longer be examined, and you can click that link above and see a whole bunch of scientist who say that it should be, and that they are skeptical about it.

For someone to be closed minded about this issue makes me ask myself, why? Why, even after someone knows that a crap load of scientists are skeptical about the theory and encourage careful examination of the theory, would someone not question it themselves? The homepage is http://www.dissentfromdarwin.org/

I think what it really comes down to is the unwillingness to believe in the existence of a Creator. In my opinion, that is why so many people are closed off to the suggestion that the Darwinian theory for evolution may be incorrect. To a lot of people, it is either evolution or a Creator, that is why many people close their eyes and ears to the many scientists who are skeptical of the Darwinian theory. Some people just do not know that such scientists exist. But now that you do---don't close your eyes and ears. At least check out the site and look at the names and credentials. It's pretty long though.

The Problem: Part 3 (please excuse the language)

Written in Warrior, Alabama on January 2008
Today, I am at Bradford, looking at a picture of my wife and I. Why am I here starring at her picture? There is a reason. It most certainly is Not because I loath her presence.
Over the past good while I have been using cocaine. (etc.). Time and time again I have quit. I would just know I wanted to quit. Time and time, time and time, time and time, time and time.
Is it because I want a vacation? Is it because I don't want my wife to leave? I am looking at her picture because right here and now it is the only thing I have that is her image. I kiss her picture every day because it is the closest thing to feeling her skin. I obsess over her cheeks, her hair, her lips, her eyes.
Right now I am not with my wife, but we are closer than we have been for a good while. Right now she knows where I am. Right now she is not scared that I am fucked up. Right now she is safe and I am safe.
Right now I am at Bradford because I am my problem. I put myself here, in every way. I am an addict. I do not like the way I feel, think, act. I do not like me.
Even here at Bradford I am an addict. Drugs are not my problem, I am my problem. Set drugs on the counter right in front of me. They will not do anything to me. They will remain where they lay. They will not stab me, insult me, steal from me, take my wife, my house, my health, or anything. I do these things. I ruin my money, relationships, and health, and social life, and emotional life, and spiritual life.
No, there are no drugs available to me here. Yet I have still managed to try to fill that void inside me in vain. I stare at the picture, talk to the picture, kiss the picture. This is not God! It is a fucking picture and I am still in a vicious cycle of addiction. Angela, we parted on Saturday. I love you and will see you soon. But this fucking picture is coming down. God help me. Because my wife nor her picture can.
I am Powerless over my Addiction.
sympathy
drugs
sex
food
cigarettes
attention

When you light your own fire, the light is darkness and the heat is torment.

I'm not an addict because I used drugs. I used drugs because I'm an addict.

The Problem: Part 2

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. WE ARE WITHOUT DEFENSE AGAINST THE FIRST DRINK." -caps mine- Alcoholics Anonymous pg.24.
For and addict this is a grave condition, to be without defense against the first drink, or hit. This condition is at the root of our insanity. A person who touches a hot stove will probably not do it again, certainly not day after day, night after night. Well, unless of course the person is insane. I touched it though. Time and again, as soon as the pain got half way out the door, it was time to go again.
Every night, every day, the same old broken record would play. I may be FROZEN in my bed swearing to never do it again. I can not hardly breath my nose is so stopped up. I can not stop sweating. I FEAR someone would drive up and knock on the door. I even worried about my wife coming in, though I knew she was presently aware and usually in the other room. I used to look out the living room windows. It got to the point that I was in a corner of the hall chain smoking. There were no windows there, but I had little room to spare.
At work the next day, I would pray and swear to God and to myself that it was over, and I meant it. I would be so proud to be off of that crap, even though it had been less than 12 hours. So sure of myself, I would go throughout the work day dreaming about my future. It would be so bright. All the doors would open for me, and if I happened upon any closed doors, I would crash them open.
On my way home from work, I would still be riding that wave of confidence and relief that the hell was all over. A minute later I merge onto the interstate when seemingly out of nowhere my whole mindset changes. I would call the man and pick up whatever it may be that day.
I was not able to play the tape all the way through. I forgot the PAIN and FEAR of just last night. I was unable to call to mind how I could not just do one line or hit. And what about after I used, all the SHAME and DISGUST came rushing in. HOPELESSNESS. I could not-not use drugs, and I knew that. But still I did not get it.

7

Time is so elusive, somewhat enchanting. With time we measure days, years, minutes, and seconds. With it we understand when we were born, and in the back of our mind, how long we have left here on earth. With time we understand how long it has been since our spouse has been affectionate with us.
There was a time, not to long ago, that I used time to measure moments.. seconds. I would lay on the bed, scared to get up because I did not know if I could make it. Would I get high today? I did not know. What I did know is that I could not stop thinking about it.
A week or so after I got back from treatment I was in such a situation. I ended up calling my councelor up at Warrior. I suppose the call helped. I just told him I was scared. It is a scary thing, to know someone is out to get you. More scary when that someone is yourself.
Today I choose to use time to measure months. Today it has been 7 months since the last time I have used.

The Problem: Part 1

This man is a FOOL! He is an idiot. He must not care one bit for his family. What a weak minded person. Worthless! Have you ever had these thoughts concerning an addict? Are you having these thoughts concerning yourself? People are plagued with misunderstanding when it comes to an addict and their addiction, and the addicts many times are the most ignorant.
Someone whose throat swells to a dangerous level after he eats fish, is said to have an allergic reaction to fish. The physical allergy is, that once he eats fish, his throat swells up. Now, the logical conclusion is that this person can not eat fish.
The addict has an allergy to drugs, and remember that ALCOHOL is a drug. The physical allergy is what we call the phenomenon of craving. The moment an addict uses a drug, their body begins to crave more. The addict does not get to say when they will stop.
EXAMPLE I took lunch and cashed my paycheck while I was out. I wanted to get a 100 dollars worth and take it back to work. The plan: In doing this I would not have to take the time after work. I had two or so hours between the time I got off work and the time my wife got off. Those were precious minutes that I hated to waste. Well, on my way back to work I decided to take a hit and save the rest for after work. I took the hit... 400 dollars later and 2 or 3 more meetings with my dealer, I was done. I did it all while driving in my car. I could not stop. The moment I took the first hit, I had an allergic reaction. I never made it back to work that day.
If you are an addict, no doubt you can think of times when you could not stop. Regardless of changing who you did it with, doing it by yourself, only spending so much, the hopeless condition was that you did not get to say when you were done.
First, you need to understand this, you DO NOT get to say when you have had enough. Your body is allergic and begins to CRAVE more. If you think you may be an addict, honestly consider the times you have gotten drunk or high. How much control did you have once you took the first drink or hit?
The obvious conclusion is the same for the addict as for the person who is allergic to fish... You can not use drugs. AN ADDICT CAN NOT USE DRUGS, because the allergic reaction is certain. Now, here is where it really gets screwed up. AN ADDICT CAN NOT-NOT USE DRUGS. Crazy isn't it. You can not use because of your allergy to it, but you can not seem to stay away from that first drink or hit.
I know this was true of me. No one can tell me I wanted to use drugs, I knew what they did to me. For me, an afternoon using meant hours locked up in my bathroom scared to come out. It meant hours FROZEN on my bed tormented with FEAR. I could not move because of FEAR. I was sweating for hours, heart beating fast. And no, it was not paranoia, it was FEAR. Not all have this experience as addicts, but I write this to let you know this... I know I did not want to use. I know I did not want the FEAR that came with it EVERY TIME. I could not-not use.
I lacked the power necessary to resist the first drink or hit. As it says in the AA book, lack of power was our problem. The first step in your recovery is NOT to admit you are an addict. I knew I was an addict for a good bit before I started recovering. The power to be free from drugs was not in me. I was POWERLESS!

This Time

Torment rages in my mind,
This time will surely be the same.
Why then do I return?
What do I suppose to find?
I return because it is the only way for me,
I come back for the man I wish to be.
The real question is, why I leave to need a return.
My mind wrent with pain as I kneel to pray,
Familiar agony-I clench hold-time to begin.
Our Father, our Father, I am filled with so much pain,
Our Father, our Father, I am scared of all my doubt.
Please help me trust, why can't I trust,
God how I wish I was sane.
My lack of trust sickens me,
My knuckles are white as my mind thinks to flee.
Please don't let go,
Because this time will surely be the same.